Saturday, June 12

Light Green

I try to live a life that’s gentle on the environment, animals, and people of this planet. To be honest, it can be very fulfilling but also very challenging. Here is a list of likes and dislikes I have about being a hippie. (I consider myself a hippie “light” because I shower, shave, and eat red meat, but I still recycle.)

Like-Free Range Chicken
Dislike-Tofu

Like- Bath and cosmetic products that are cruelty free.
Dislike- Bath and cosmetic products that make me smell like a pine tree.

Like- Grass fed, free range, humanely raised and slaughtered beef.
Dislike- God, I miss bacon. I mean I really miss it in like I dream about B.L.T.s miss bacon.

Like- The theory of conserving water by not doing dishes!
Dislike- The reality that less disposable dishes equals more dishwashing.

Like- I get to shop at much cooler grocery stores. I would much rather hang out at Whole Foods than Kroger.
Dislike-I have considered dealing drugs to support my artisan cheese and organic produce habit.

Like-I can avoid Walmart and a certain demographic of people one would find at a Walmart. Too many six sizes too small daisy dukes, Nascar muscle shirts, and carts full of fireworks and Milwaukee’s Best.

Dislike- Hippies aren’t always my favorite people to shop with either. Too many crocheted beanies,odd smells, hacky sacks, intimidating piercings, and “Who is John Galt?” bumper stickers.

Like- Doing my part to save the planet
Dislike- being outnumbered by those who aren’t

Finally, things I really miss since choosing my hippie light lifestyle….
Trans Fat, Febreze, canned vegetables, margarine, Potpies, Twinkies, Ding dongs, and of course the biggest sacrifice greenies have made world wide is missing the opportunity to feast on the greatest culinary creation since refined sugar and starch….the KFC Double-Down….

Thursday, June 10

Don't look down....

This will be one of many future posts about phobias, but let’s talk about fear of heights shall we?

Have you ever spent the majority of your ferris wheel ride on the floor clutching your loved ones ankles screaming in terror to “stop shaking the buggy damn it!”

How about having a panic attack before and during the helicopter fly over scene at the Omni/Imax theatre? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.

Do you find yourself screaming at others “For God’s sakes get off the rail” or “Quit leaning on the glass, it could give at anytime”? (This logic is the same reason I don’t walk over manhole covers or city grates….could give way)

If you answered yes to any of the following, we should be friends. If you said no, you’re a real tough guy aren’t you?…well good for you.

I have done some considerable research, none of it sound or scientific, on phobias and on this one in particular. Did you know that some people who are afraid of heights are afraid because they fear that when they are on top of something high like a cliff or a balcony, they fear that they will have a moment of insanity and hurl themselves off of the edge? I did not make this up. Katie Couric talked about it on the Today show once so I know it’s legit. People who have walked on the Golden Gate Bridge have been overwhelmed with this thought of “what if I just run off the edge of this mothertrucker?”

Still sound crazy? Well, let me add some personal relevance.

I once spent what should have been a lovely evening, glued to a bed, hot, sweaty and panting, but not for the reasons you might think. Our room was on the 22nd floor of a hotel room with a wonderful balcony view. I did not leave the bed, and I am not joking. I was convinced that if I got out on that balcony, that I would have a temporary moment of insanity, climb the rails like the old lady in the Titanic movie, and that would be it. Crazy? Absolutely. Common? More than you would think.

So,those of you lurking in the shadows with this same issue, be not afraid! You can now consider me your personal hero for shedding light on this issue. You’re not alone!
Then again, as I have said a hundred times before, “It could just be me…”

Wednesday, June 2

Desmond! I'm NOT your brother....

Tonight, I want to talk about Lost. I know, I know, enough already. I know what you’re thinking, “Nobody cares, it’s just a show, now where is the new season of WipeOut.?” Here’s the catch, I’m pretty sure I’m going to blow your mind with my interpretation and analysis of this epic sideshow.
Observations
J.J. Abrams was a contributor to the show right? You know who else he is pals with? Tom “Weirdest Guy in the Room” Cruise. This brings me to my first theory. Lost is just another piece of Scientology propaganda. And let me tell you why
1. The flight is from Australia. Where was Tom’s first wife from? Too simple? Perhaps.
2. They blow up over the ocean in an airplane. What do Scientologists think Xenu dropped humans off on Earth in? A DC-10. Too coincidental? Most likely.
3. Volcano on the Island/A Volcano is where Xenu stacked us after taxi-ing to the gate of Earth. Grasping for straws? Without a doubt.
4. Desmond, with his obsessive smiling, large teeth, and borderline homoerotic “brother this, brother that” talk is definitely Tom Cruise. (My new BFF Libby came up with that one) As an aside, I would not put it past J.J. Abrams to have had Tom Cruise cameo in some obscure, unrecognizable role. Tom could have been in the polar bear suit, the taxi driver, the Oceanic freight driver, or Hurley in a fat suit. I was not one of the people who found Cruise’s turn in Tropic Thunder hilarious. I found it disturbing and to be honest cruel. Didn’t Ben Stiller realize he was just fanning the flames of Cruise’s thetan- spewing personality disorder?
5. Locke, with his ability to look slightly sexy in one take, and pasty and sexual predator-ish in the next makes him Travolta, hands down.
In closing, I share with you some things I have tossed around in my head since the finale.
1. Why couldn’t Ben go in? Answer-He’s obviously still alive on the Island, taking over after Hurley’s passing.
2. The scene with Sun and Jin was actually really moving. I cried. Many people went nuts over the scene with Sawyer and Juliet, but honestly, I couldn’t stop focusing on what was in the vending machine. Were those Rolos Sawyer was trying to eat? Yikes. That’s like choosing to eat Mentos.
3. The Vincent scene got me choked up, but since I can’t separate fiction from reality, (I’m hoping it’s not a dissociative disorder, but that usually hits early 20’s so I’m encouraged by that) now I’m consumed with worry about a. why wasn’t Vincent in the church going to heaven? and b. if he isn’t dead, whose going to take care of him now?
4. Finally, the big question I was left with. Why wasn’t Ana Lucia in the church going to heaven with everyone else? I’m pretty sure I saw her briefly in the finale opening a door dressed as a cop. Apparently on the Island, you drink, you drive, you go to hell.

In closing, I loved the show even when I hated it. I think you will find my argument is valid, and my evidence concrete. I did most of my research on Wikipedia. You’re welcome.